El Padrino (episode)/Transcript
[Scene opens at El Padrino's hideout, with Dr. Eggman and Earthworm Jim.] Earthworm Jim: I'm telling you, Jonathan Silverman and Sarah Silverman are not related! Dr. Eggman: Yes they are, I met Angie McCarthy at a party once and he told me so! Earthworm Jim: You never met Angie McCarthy! Dr. Eggman: [sighs] Fine. Sonic, back me up here! [Camera zooms out to show Sonic.] Earthworm Jim: Sonic!? What are you doing here!? Dr. Eggman: If you're looking for the job of motorboting coke off of Colombian prostitutes' boobies, you're too late! The job is filled! Sonic: Look, we're making a huge Blockbuster movie and I need you guys to be in it. Let's go home. El Padrino: [laughs] Sonic: What the hell is that? [Camera zooms out to show El Padrino.] El Padrino: [laughs and coughs] Sorry, I had a taco shell caught in my throat. So this is the infamous drunken hedgehog I've heard nothing about. Sonic: [sighs] C'mon guys, really? Nothing? Thanks dicks! Look giant monster skull face, I gotta take these two dummies back home, so if you can point us to the closest donkey outta here, that'd be great. El Padrino: Y'know for a drunken hedgehog, you're not very fun. I'm done with the three of them! Throw them to Marmosets! Sonic: Ooh, little monkeys! That doesn't sound so bad. Dr. Eggman: They're not monkeys! It's his anaconda! El Padrino: Actually, Marmosets is also the name of the female paco I keep around in a tamie. I should probably come up with some other names. Anyways, they're coked out of their minds. They haven't eaten in years. So you three are gonna make a perfect meal for them! [The cannibal pop singers appear.] Earthworm Jim: Sonic, do something! Isn't this sort of thing your specialty? Sonic: You think beating up coked out cannibal pop singers is my specialty? Earthworm Jim: Uh-huh. Dr. Eggman: Yes, absolutely. That's what you do. Sonic: Alright pussies, I'll do it. But then you have to come back and be in the movie! Dr. Eggman: Will there be coke on tits? Sonic: We're shooting this in Hollywood. They INVENTED coke on tits! Dr. Eggman: You got yourself a deal! Earthworm Jim: And I wanna play Tails! [A cannibal pop singer bites Earthworm Jim's leg.] Earthworm Jim: Holy shit, the bitch is on me! GET HER OFF! GET HER OFF! [Sonic kills the cannibal pop singers with a few Spin Dashes.] Sonic: Alright see!? I killed your coke whores! Now let us go, Padrino! Dr. Eggman: That rhymed. El Padrino: Whoa whoa whoa, you think you can just kill my women and take my employees and leave? Sonic: Sorta, I thought that was the deal. If you're pitted in a fight to the death, and you kill the thing that's trying to kill you, you automatically get to leave. Isn't that how it usually works? El Padrino: Y'know what, I never really did this kind of thing before. Oh, what the hell, I'm high as fuck! [A door opens.] Sonic: Okey-doke. Take it easy Padrino. [Sonic and Earthworm Jim leave. Dr. Eggman runs to a pile of cocaine and hugs it.] Dr. Eggman: No, there's so much coke! I never wanna leave! [Sonic and Earthworm Jim carry Dr. Eggman out of El Padrino's hideout. Ending sequence.]